Suffering
by Lambbaby
Summary: I never meant to betray them. Somewhere in my mind I thought that what I was doing was right. I was wrong.


** Suffering**

**A/N:** I never thought I would write a story about Terra. Not because I hated her (I just **really **dislike her.), but because she just never fell into my story radar. Until recently that is. I noticed that most stories about her are all about her return, her breaking up a certain couple or her demise. Not too many cover what she may have been feeling. So I thought I'd give it a try.

I never meant to betray them. No, really I didn't. Somewhere in the back of my twisted mind I really believed that what Slade and I were doing was right. That when we took over the city the Titans would just follow. I was wrong.

I know what they think. They come to visit me. Or what's left of me that is. Sometimes they all come and sometimes they each come separately. Each one has something different to say. Each one managed to surprise me with what they had to say.

The first Titan to visit my stone hell was Starfire. She didn't cry, the way I thought she would. In fact during her first visit all she did was sit and stare at me, the way one would a museum exhibit. It was unnerving, to say the least. But then she came again. And this time it was as if someone had pulled her plug. She screamed and raged for hours. Asking me what she done to make me hate her, to make me want to hurt her. She would go over all the fun times we'd spent together, reminding me how much she had valued my friendship. She kept asking me how I could just throw it all away. And the whole time I was silent. But God, did I want to answer her. I wanted to tell her that she had done nothing, and that it was my own weakness and insecurities that brought me to where I was. That I never wanted to hurt her that she was like my sister. But of course I was silent. I never said a word.

Not that I could have said anything even if I wanted to. My soul may have been bound to my body but that didn't mean I was still alive. I was just there. Not a ghost, or anything like that, just a soul, stuck in limbo forever. Never completely gone but never completely here either. It sucked. And on more than one occasion I wished that one of the raging Titans would destroy my statue and set me free. But alas, it was not to be. Fate thought it better that I suffer than die.

The second Titan was Robin. He was the most predictable. He questioned everything, went over every conversation, every battle, every everything wondering how on earth he could've missed the signs that one of us was in trouble. He blamed Slade and himself a lot. For a while he tossed around the idea that I was mind controlled but then he realized that while Slade may have controlled my body for a while my thoughts and choices had been my own. And that in the end I had chosen to join him. I had chosen to turn on him and the others. Never once did he get really angry. Somehow I think he understood. He better than anyone realized how thin the line between good and evil really was.

The third Titan was Beast Boy. His visits hurt the most. He had been the Titan who I'd formed the closest connection to. How could I not? He was the one who always had a smile, a kind word, and a hug waiting for you when you needed him. He yelled and screamed for awhile but then he did something even worse. He cried. I knew what he felt for me. I just never realized how deeply those feelings went until I saw the tears that accompanied them. It tore me apart to see him cry. Even if I didn't completely feel the same, I did still care about him. After all even after everything I'd done he _still _tried to save me. I wanted to comfort him as he shook with sobs, wanted to hold him the way a mother would her child and tell him that I was sorry and that if he'd just smile for me I'd do anything, anything at all. But of course I couldn't. He never asked me why. I'm not sure if it's because he already knew the answer or because he just didn't care, but never once did he question my motives for betrayal. I'd like to think that it was because he understood. He knew how hard it was to smile and laugh everyday, when on the inside you were falling apart. He hid his pain and frustration on a daily basis. I figured he just thought that I could no longer hide mine. He was right.

The fourth Titan to travel to my cavernous home was Cyborg. His visit was more of a science trip than anything else. He spent more time analyzing me then anything else. I think he just figured that if he didn't mention it then everything would be okay. Sometimes I would wonder if he'd just erased me, and all related events from his hard drive. But I knew I was wrong. Cyborg was the type of guy who learned from his mistakes and I was a mistake not soon to be repeated. If nothing else Cyborg would make sure that an incident like mine never occurred again. He cared too much about his friends to let someone just waltz in and destroy them like I did. I had to respect him for that. He was strong in ways I never would be.

The last Titan to come to me was Raven. You know for someone who can't show her emotions she sure got awfully mad. I mean she yelled and screamed for hours on end. At one point I even thought she was going to take my head off, as her powers raged with her. But I don't blame her. Getting Raven to even talk to me at first was a feat all in itself. Getting her to trust me nearly drove me mad. Betraying her nearly got me killed. But I understood where she was coming from. When you give your trust and your friendship to someone you expect them to cherish it, and to reciprocate it. I had taken what she offered and literally slapped her in the face with it. I had taunted her, and teased her knowing that I was even worse off than she was. I'd pushed her as hard as I could, wondering when she would snap. And as I predicted her biggest weak point was that the others had accepted me so much quicker than they did her. But I knew how wrong I was. If they knew the truth they would've hated me. Like she did from the start.

Each visit left me feeling worse than the last. Each Titan left me feeling more infandous than the last. Time and time again I wished I could move so that I could lapidate myself and end my misery. But instead I was stuck. Forever. Forced to suffer a self-inflicted punishment. Forever forced to be apart of the Earth that had carried me for so many years. I knew that the Titans wouldn't find a cure, a way to reverse what I had done to myself. Eventually they'd give up, something more important would come up and they move on, pushing my problem to the side. But I'd asked for this. I'd brought this suffering upon myself.

A/N: **Infandous** is a real word. It means too odious to be spoken of. **Lapidate **is also a word. It means to stone; to kill by hurtling rocks at.

So let me know what you thought in that oh so special gift called a review.


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